While most women do not worry about gaining weight during pregnancy, the fear of extreme obesity washes over many of us when the baby comes out and we step on the scale minutes later. (That’s what I did first after delivery, didn’t you?)

What? All the pounds didn’t fall out when the baby did?

Never fear. There’s a trending diet for nursing mothers that can help those of us who still want to drop that pesky extra pound.

It’s free.

It’s easy.

It’s a diet and a budget saver all in one.

It’s trending all over BuzzFeed, Huffington Post, Pinterest, Cosmopolitan Magazine…. Every great source for information is jumping on board.

It’s called the Water Diet.

Because the early stages of motherhood find us fully energized and seeking ways to attend to our newborns and ourselves at the same time, the marketing for this diet is brilliant. It poses as a health and happiness solution for nursing mothers AND babies. After studying the internet carefully, it has become clear to me that we are actually poisoning our babies with the very demon foods that add unwanted calories to our diets every day. Why not cut calories and save our babies at the same time?

Let’s examine what we are instructed to eliminate from our diets. My favorite food groups are dairy products, and wheat and bread products.

It’s simple. Dairy and wheat have snuck their way into most of our meals, and most of us don’t even recognize how hazardous things like milk, yogurt, and whole wheat bread are to our and our babies’ health. You may think that leaving them in your diet is easier on the meal planning side of things, but never fear! Substitutes are easy to find, like water! (If you’re desperate and need a transitional substitute, try almond milk. But only for a short time. The scientists behind the Whole Foods movement are busying themselves with studies that will soon prove almond milk’s toxicity as well.)

If you’re less concerned about calories and more concerned about your baby’s health, you may be tempted to switch to soy-based products as a common substitute for milk products, and switch to corn products (such as tortillas) as a substitute for the wheat in your diet. But BEWARE! Corn and soy both made the top 15 list of items your baby does not want in your milk. Throw away that Earth Balance butter substitute; it’s riddled with soy. Instead, try buttering your toast with–you guessed it–water! In it’s frozen form, it is easy to hold and spread. (A helpful tip: if you need to soften it in the microwave, watch it carefully so it doesn’t completely melt. I can’t believe it’s not butter.)

Now that you have cut both wheat and corn, it will be easy to cut the next item on our list: spicy foods! Mexican food is a common culprit, laced with perilous jalapeños and chili seasoning. Stay away. The high fat content Mexican food threatens you with, and the trauma it will cause your child, are not worth your time. There are many healthier options, as long as you don’t veer toward American or Italian cuisine.

American = beef = death.

Italian = high-garlic foods = death.

Thai is usually acceptable, as long as you avoid any dishes laced with peanut shavings. Because, well… peanuts = death, too.

If you can find a nice, bland (again, no spice!), chicken dish, that’s your best bet. Chicken of the land, though, not chicken of the sea. When you turn toward fish, you’re entering dangerous, high-mercury territory. Mercury is very dangerous for both you and the baby, and therefore constitutes the world’s most widely protected government conspiracy. Why let poison into your home?

While we’re on the topic of chicken, we must discuss eggs. Eggs have had it rough in the health food industry. They’ve gone through periods of debate like no other food has ever endured. Their high cholesterol has made doctors recommend we avoid them, or at least never eat more than one per day. Other times, people have been instructed that eggs are one of the healthiest options if you must consume calories. It got a little hazy for a while. But stand in confusion no more! The jury is in. Eggs are EVIL! Did you know there is a protein in eggs called albumin, that is a very common allergen in many adults and children? I know I have several neighbors who have dropped dead or been admitted to the emergency room after egg consumption. Be careful. Hidden sources of eggs are everywhere. It’s best to avoid any desserts served to you by friends and family, even if those acquaintances don’t appear homicidal.

This is great, isn’t it? We’ve almost disposed of all the foods that are threatening our babies and our weight loss New Year’s Resolutions. The main sources of fear and condemnation remaining are herbs, fruits, and vegetables. But never fear, many of those are dangerous, too. Among the top 15 are parsley, peppermint (I hope you all avoided Christmas this year!), broccoli, and citrus fruits. This may come as a shock to you, if you, like me, have been taught that fruits, vegetables, and herbs universally fall under the umbrella of “healthy.” Not so. All of these are best kept out of your kitchen, as I’m fairly certain that even their odors can be lethal.

Make smart choices. Think of the children, if selfish motivation is not enough for you. Aim to consume at least 873 ounces of water daily and you won’t even miss food!