Sometimes as humans we put off doing things, even when they offer the promise of great joy and excitement. I’m not sure why we do it. Maybe we have been brainwashed to believe certain items of business will be dull or riddled with anxiety, based solely on their names. For instance, taking out the trash gets a bad rap, and yet usually propels me out the door for a much needed walk down the winding sidewalks of my apartment complex. If I bring my toddler with me, I even have the added bonus of chasing him around for thirty minutes afterward. Who doesn’t love spontaneous exercise?
Insurance is another example. What could be so bad about something that protects us from added hardship in the case of an accident? Since we just moved and my husband Rhett just got a new job, our family needs to switch insurances. But unfortunately, Rhett had to work today and can’t join me for the lovely experience of filling out the online registration information. But everything is more fun with friends! Would you like to join me? Let’s get started!
Login. Excellent. Now if I just click on this link my friend found in the recesses of his employment paperwork and had his wife text me after he heard I was looking for it for weeks, I should be good. Yes. Click here to be directed to the PDF that will give you your temporary passwords, which you should change immediately.
Please confirm password change.
Intermission to push play on toddler’s highly education program about a babysitting bear.
Password confirmed. Now, go back a few pages and find the link that said something like HP…HAP…APH? Oh yes, this one. Health Risk Assessment. More like Flight Risk Assessment at this point. NOT! This is fun. A questionnaire! How nice of them to care. And it’s only ten questions.
Waist girth? Does anyone know their waist girth off the top of their heads? Girth…that reminds me of something funny…
We just moved. I called UPS to ask ’em to help out with some boxes. They’re a good service but you have to have information ready about your boxes before you even call them, I had no idea. I called ’em up.
“Yeah, I have 10 boxes. Can you come pick ’em up?”
“We need to know the weight and the girth.”
“Ok, goodbye!”
~Brian Regan: I Walked On the Moon
As it turns out, UPS is a lot like insurance, or the other way around. I need access into the deep recesses of my soul to get through the survey. Here I am, trying to calculate how many teaspoons of sugar I eat every day. Even harder, how much of that truth do I shave off before I submit this calculation?
How much protein do I eat a day? How lean is my ground beef, anyway?
Intermission to defrost beef for dinner. Preheat the oven. Stir fry the vegetables. Restart the dancing bear.
This section has 28 questions? All about fruits and vegetables? Two cups. Or…three? I don’t know. C. Always pick C when you don’t know the answer.
Strongly agree, strongly agree. Multivitamin. No, I get enough vitamin D saving my son from himself in the pool, thank you very much.
Submit. Phew! Not so terrible. This insurance stuff, like I said. It gets a bad–
What do you mean my login timed out?
What do you mean my password is incorrect? I reset it like you told me to!
Fine. I’ll reset it again. You just let my email inbox know when you’re ready.
Email tech support because it’s now too late to call.
–Twelve hours later–
Hello, Amy, thank you for your help. But no, I have not received the email yet. Yes, I typed my email correctly. No, it did not go to my Spam folder. Thank you! A manual reset would be lovely.
But you know what?
How about we all just boycott the insurance companies and stay safely tucked away in the comfort of our own homes? They’ll come around eventually and make it easier. And while we’re at it, let’s stop taking out the trash, too.
**Update: Almost 24 hours after the original reset attempt, a nice server called “SiteAdmin” was gracious enough to let me know that my password had been reset. Thank you, SiteAdmin, for nothing.
