My husband is on “triple-threat” call this week, which means that on top of the crazy hours of orthopedic rotation, he is also answering pages related to three different orthopedic sub-specialties: hand, spine, and…some other service that escapes me. As the traumas roll in, he progresses in a downward spiral that leaves him resembling decapitated poultry more than a human being.

To summarize: he works long hours.

But they are “normal” hours for humans: 6 AM-6 PM, plus or…plus a few at the beginning and end. What amazes me are the people who aren’t on call, whether they be doctors or sane individuals, and still insist on being up at 3 AM. Doing laundry, for example.

After waking up to a rhythmic click-thump sound at 3:30 AM a few nights ago, my husband and I discussed what this could mean. Apart from the obvious: apartment living is overrated, we settled on one universal rule of humanity that needs to be better enforced: 3 AM is NOT an acceptable time to be awake.

In the past, delinquent behavior like this has been allowed by passive landlords and even a government that refuses to impose itself into our daily lives enough. But such laissez faire attitudes cannot persist. Human alertness should not be disturbing such a mysterious, sacred hour of rest and relaxation. The impact on civilization when this hour is not left solely to the night shift worker, will be catastrophic. A world ruled needlessly by insomniacs will inevitably lead to anarchy, higher poverty levels, and dried out chocolate cake donuts. In other words: utter, miserable chaos.

Never fear. Any new proposed legislation would not interfere with the swagger of the 2 AM “last call” alcoholic, or the zen of the 4 AM jogger (although their life choices may still be a topic of debate). I only request that we leave the sacred minutes in between to the nursing babies and the emergency responders. To the rest of you (crazy neighbors), put down the laundry detergent. Go to bed. Obey the laws of nature.