I feel an important obligation to interrupt my usual commentary and present you with this treatise written by a proactive Walmart worker. She handed it to me after she finished loading 8 giant tubs of oatmeal into my trunk. I told her I was making cookies. She didn’t believe me. Whatever your reason for going to the store, I believe it is important for all of us to read, in order to keep perspective during these troubling times.

How and Why to Avoid the Walmart Grocery Pickup Coronavirus Drive of Shame

by Jenny Smith

My name is Jenny, and I work at Walmart. I used to stack shelves with new inventory, smile at customers, and wander aimlessly. But since the Coronavirus launched its attack on humanity, I am a slave to the Grocery Pickup orders.

To give you a frame of reference, we used to distribute about 500 items to the trunks of kind customers with cute screaming babies in the backseat. This morning I woke up to orders of 1500 and counting, and have not seen a single baby. Those have been stashed at home, while only grumpy, terrified adults frequent our parking spots.

I believe in preparedness. I myself have 3 days worth of water and enough vitamin supplements in my pantry to feed me and my significant other for at least 24 hours. But we didn’t wait until disaster hit to stock up. We worked on our supply over time, and therefore, have avoided panic throughout this media scare.

I know life happens, and we don’t always realize when we are running low on things. I personally live in California, so I’m aware that there is not always enough room in our budget to rent a place big enough to hold more than one, maybe two gallons of water at a time. But we have found creative storage solutions to navigate this problem. We keep packs of gum under the table legs, use uncooked lentils to stuff our pillows, and decorate the tops of our cabinets with stacks of paper plates. As is evident from some of the orders we’ve received, people often forget about paper products.

Speaking of paper products, when was the last time you used 400 rolls of toilet paper in one week? Last I heard, the CDC and media recommended that we all be prepared to not have access to grocery stores for up to a month. And last time I checked, it is the CDC’s job to expect the worst, and the media’s job to broadcast it. So by my calculations, it would be reasonable to stock your house with a decent sized pack of toilet paper. One. I’m not sure why I had to strap 8 packs to the top of someone’s car yesterday. So much for their year supply of dental floss.

This might be off topic, but has anyone noticed how many proclaimers of green sustainability have abandoned their reusable towels in favor of paper ones?

We are out of hand sanitizer, but that’s okay because I’m relatively certain you have enough soap at home to wash your hands like you’ve been doing for years. We are out of water bottles, but you’ll probably be fine since the CDC has been clear that the Coronavirus does not infect water, and unless it’s highly mutated, it hasn’t yet become powerful enough to break the pipes that get the water to your tap. If you’re not hippie enough to use cloth towels, you aren’t hippie enough to worry about the tiny particles floating in your water. Again, you’ll only have to avoid lead poisoning for like a week or two, maybe less.

This pace of work is not sustainable. Next time you feel the urge to buy rice, remember your local Walmart workers. If you do decide to use Grocery Pickup, do my sanity a favor and include at least one item from the produce section. If I have to bring you toilet paper and water, or more than one can of beans, it’s just going to be embarrassing for everyone.

Thank you for your time. Happy hand washing.

Jenny

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