Second, there’s no problem that can’t be at least partly fixed by ice cream that looks like this.

Do I hear any arguments? I didn’t think so. Enough said.

And third, morning people are the worst.

I’m told that as a baby I never wanted to go to bed when I was supposed to. Some of my first memories are of standing in the hallway outside my bedroom eavesdropping on the adults as they had all the fun after 9 PM. But for the most part, I always loved my sleep. I might not have gone to bed early, but I had no problem sleeping in.

With the onset of my teenage years, the problem only worsened. If I was up before noon, whoever was the cause of my bright-and-early appearance could expect to feel my wrath. The problem was, that habit never went away.

High school. College. The work place. They all wanted me to start my day at 7. 8. 6. In the MORNING. Don’t they know human brains aren’t wired to turn on until at least 10 AM?

I fought it hard. I stayed up late and woke up early, thinking to myself, “maybe I can be both a night owl AND a morning person.” What I learned was that I maybe couldn’t pull that off, but I sure could pull off being a sleep deprived dysfunctional demon. My poor husband began to associate what I called “Super Kayla” mode with the total emotional deterioration of the world as we knew it. And that was the day I finally put to rest any notion of ever becoming a morning person. It was final: I would just resent any morning activity I ever had the misfortune of participating in.

But there was a problem with that, too. My job as a substitute teacher made me get up early and plopped me back at home around 3 in the afternoon, when I promptly realized I was not an afternoon person, either. In fact, I was even less of an afternoon person than I was a morning person. So it became clear that if I was ever going to have time for the things I was most passionate about, I would have to try this morning person thing one more time.

Now, what I’m about to say next might shock some of you. My readers who believe in the third principle I listed above, that “morning people are the worst,” I must recommend you stop reading now in the interest of preserving our friendship. Because I have to admit–in the past couple of months I have become an Early Bird.

So like many internet writers with deeply moving skill sets, I have decided to script a how-to guide to help anyone who is struggling with the same life-threatening disease as I once endured. In the medical world, you are called (in hushed whispers of woe) the Night Owls. Well, prepare to be changed forever with my easy 3 Step Guide: How to Become A Morning Person.

Step 1: Turn Off Your Phone

For this process to work, you must be fully committed. The first step in your conversion is the act of turning off your phone promptly at noon the day before you plan on becoming an Early Bird, and creating a habit of doing this every day. We do this to avoid all texts, messages, emails, or social media notifications that alert us to the activities that may take place at night and have the potential to run past 9 PM. 9 PM is your new threshold. If you stay up past 9, you can expect extreme side effects the following day, namely emotional disturbances, physical fatigue, and possibly death. Do everyone a favor and shut down the electronics.

For those of you who read the above and say, “That simply won’t do,” airplane mode is acceptable. You may still access your pump up music and calendar, but the outside world is dead to you.

Step 2: Skip Breakfast – Hit the Gym

One key to harnessing your maximum potential as an Early Bird is to front load your day as much as possible. Multi-task, doing as many as 4 tasks at once, if possible.

You’ll wake up at 5 AM, feeling refreshed and energized from your solid 8 hours of sleep. Your first inclination may be to wander into the kitchen and feed your malnourished body, but you must resist. It is far healthier to hit the gym first, in your prime activity window.

Throw on whatever clothes you can find in the dark, because it will always be dark at 5 AM. Always. Darkness means you’re ahead of the game. Stroll into the gym with bloodshot eyes, proving to the world that you don’t care what it takes–you’ll beat this Night Owl disease. Mumble as many coherent words as you can to the person behind the front desk, and then skip down the hall to the treadmill.

While at the gym, make sure you max out your cardio/lifting potential, recording every detail of your sets and reps. When possible, listen to an audio book while you work out, so as to improve your mental health while you improve your physical health. If internet access permits, work in some social media efforts while you’re resting between sets. Remember, you only have 7 more hours of communication time with the outside world.

Step 3: Stop Yawning

You are better than that. Productive is the new tired. The afternoon now is what the night used to be. Being a morning person eliminates the afternoon altogether, if you think about it. Night Owls wake up at 10 and hit their lull at 3. You wake up at 5 and hit your lull at 10, which is still morning, so you talk yourself out of letting it be an afternoon lull. Problem solved.

A big part of step 3 is remembering that becoming an Early Bird is a concept of mind over matter. If you don’t let yourself get tired, put socializing out of your mind, and stop hating the crack of dawn long enough to see the sunrise, you’ll be able to beat Night Owl Syndrome in no time.

Note: The 3 Step Guide to Becoming a Morning Person is not meant for everyone. If you can’t approach the above advice with the utmost sarcastic filter, please do not try it at home.