In the wake of the COVID-19 pandemic, the Center for Disease Control has decided to uplift the spirits of the communities on the front lines by hosting a Match Day party for up-and-coming physicians.

Match Day parties, a time-honored tradition among fourth year medical students, are held on a Friday morning every year. Match Day is the day on which these future doctors find out where they will attend residency. In most places, these emotional gatherings consist of bonded classmates and their spouses/families, and culminate in a disbursement of letters to the students. They then wait until the clock strikes twelve and rip open the letters together.

At such an emotional time, students rely on each other to dry tears, both happy and sad. But as touching our own faces, let alone those of others, is not advisable at this uncertain time, Match Day gatherings have been cancelled around the world.

Students are devastated.

Propositions of FaceTime gatherings are falling short.

Thus, it is with great pleasure that the CDC has proposed a last-minute gathering, under their strict guidelines, where fourth year medical students can gather and open their letters together on a quarantined island.

“Our healthcare workers are the ones seeing us through this disaster,” said CDC employee W. Y. Hands in an interview this morning. “It is important to us that we show our future doctors that we value them.”

The event is being thrown together last minute due to initial concern over the safety of the event. What if one of the students came sick, and infected the entire group? These students had the power to spread the disease exponentially once they returned to daily life at the hospital. However, upon polling a large sample group of these students, it became clear that they were willing to sacrifice in quarantine, away from their usual responsibilities, for as long as would be required of them.

The event will be held on a remote tropical island in Polynesia in an effort to isolate participants. It will be sponsored by Latex. Previous sponsor, Prestige AmeriTech, supplier of surgical masks, warns that they are out of stock, so “Match Day 2020” will have a “Bring Your Own Mask” cover charge. One-ply toilet paper will be available for purchase at the door.

With health concerns necessarily high, the CDC would like to point out that the envelopes in which the match letters will be delivered, have been sealed with a wet rag, rather than human tongue.

Good luck to all applicants! Happy Match Day, 2020!